BETW. CHAPTER 1 & 2: A Few Helpful Rules

I have made a few rules that I think will help future single smart mothers get through the worst when it comes to all the ups and downs your state of emotions goes through.

RULE #1:

Don’t go broadcasting the fact that you are pregnant, no matter how much attention you need and you will need more attention than ever, keep it to yourself especially if you work in a field where there are a lot of dried-up sour pussies who never dared get pregnant and who think they no all the disadvantages of having a baby and a career. Be aware of all the chauvinistic men that pop-up in your field, but mainly look out for those bitches, I mean Witches who will try to just stab the rest of your career in the jugular and just finish it off for you. Yes ladies- keep your pregnant ass on a low profile, it’s called JEALOUSY and in my experience older women who are childless are the meanest bitches out there, so remember most MEN like being around pregnant woman it must be something or our change in odor that attracts them but they tend to like to be around pregnant women, especially since secretly they think now it’s the perfect time to fuck your brains out in the bathroom since you cannot get pregnant anymore and your carrying around some other dude’s baby anyway, so who cares???  So do not kid yourself and think you are safe telling some nice mid 40 year old or 50 year woman in your office that you are pregnant and think this way you will have an alibi someone to share what you will be going through in the next nine months, no do not be stupid, if you work in a predominantly male dominated business, such as the film business and advertising, those women are THE MOST BITTER and will jump at any opportunity to spit on you and make you feel like a dumb ass pregnant bimbo who got knocked up by some penniless married guy. Don’t think these women will cover for you either if you need to go to a Dr’s appointment or simply need to take the day off and put your elephant swollen feet up, NO, they will make it even harder for you and get pleasure out of watching you struggle and suffer. Nothing gives them more satisfaction that to prove their self-fulfilling prophecy that you cannot be pregnant and expect to continue to have an amazing career, you need to sacrifice one or the other. And let me tell you they are pretty determined to prove this theory if not just to make themselves feel better about their wretched lives and bad decisions in life.

RULE #2:

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’ve made some poor decisions, especially your own mother. If a co-worker tells you, feel free to punch them out, let me re-phrase that, perhaps choose a place outside of the work environment to do it. But nonetheless, put people in their place, do not let the nice hormones that are more present than ever in your body take over. Tell them to go fuck-off and if they are relatives, keep telling them in an almost retardedly CALM voice that you have made the decision to keep the baby and that is that. Remember whatever decision you make at the time is the right decision and there is no looking back after that, unless you just want to beat yourself up unnecessarily. See I wish I had had the guts to punch a few people out, it probably wouldn’t have helped me book the next job, but at least I would have felt better for a day or so. Remember people treat pregnant women as MORONS, and you need to remind them that you are JUST pregnant not diagnosed with Down Syndrome. I swear I got people treating me weird all the time and their excuse was like, cause I know you are pregnant so…. They probably would have treated a leper with less care. And I’m like ya, and how would your barren ass know, especially since you’ve had like ZERO kids and you act as if you had five like my own Mom.

RULE # 3:

Don’t count on your mother to tell you shit, my mother had five kids she gave birth to four of them at home and had my father acted as a midwife and she still claims till this day that she doesn’t remember anything. She was just about as helpful as one of those airport information booths, where you go up to the person and they really can’t help you, or there is simply no one in the booth and your flight is about to depart in five minutes. My mother would say these extraordinary things like, “you really don’t need anyone to help you give birth, it’s just the woman who does all the hard work, “ this considering she had my dad at her side from stage one all the way through end of stage four and cutting the umbilical cord. Also she’d say: I never enjoyed sex, I just liked seeing the baby. Or, “don’t worry about the pain, once you see the little baby’s cute face, all the pain disappears.”  Or this one I’m sure you’ve heard before: “If the baby cries, just let him,  it’s good for his lungs.” The best is one my best friend got our of her: “I just liked having the baby when they were babies, once they got bigger and could talk I wasn’t interested anymore.” The best part of her torture was seeing her and my dad argue in front of me and fight while I was having the worst contractions brought on by Pitocin, or sneaking into my bedroom while I was asleep to paint me nude as a almost nine months pregnant woman who was terribly itchy. So ladies if you expect your mothers to help with practical and good advice, forget about it, because most times it will not happen. I have spoken to many wise and extremely intelligent moms and they have all had horrific stories to tell, as a matter of fact for the ones who decided to have a second child, they purposely choose not to have their mothers present at the birth. Be kind to yourself, you will need all the nourishing you can get prior and post partum and Mothers come with a huge emotional price tag that hits you when you go to check-out.

Invest some of that money you spend on your manicures and pedis on a good book about what childbirth is all about, there are some good books you can find normally at the Yoga stores where they teach pre and post natal, those books I fond most helpful and just very natural something I prefer when possible, though I did cheat and have an Epidural that saved my baby’s life and mine. GOD BLESS the EPIDURAL!

RULE #4:

If you have older or even younger sisters who do not have children or had once an abortion, be very cautious about how you choose to tell them, and if at all possible it’s probably best NOT to tell them, but that would mean not breathing and even if they don’t live in the same city, somehow Mom or Dad will end up letting them know or mentioning it. Never underestimate the power of one older or younger sibling’s jealousy at you being the first to have a baby. not only that, at you also being pregnant for the first time with a boy, again I’m talking about sisters here, your brothers could care less, they will, if you are lucky remember the kid’s b-day once in a while, but sisters is a different story. If you come from a big family chances are it is competitive by nature, so you showing off your pregnancy, might cause rift with your sisters or might bring you close together. My experience is don’t tell and definitely don’t expect them to warm up to the idea of helping you out when the baby is born or getting them to help do the dirty jobs about being a Mom, such as cleaning a pooped diaper, as much as they act like they would be the perfect mom and want to have children one day soon, they have no idea what they are doing and will get extremely offended if you tell them that or try to make an adjustment with how they care for your child. One of my sisters took over 24hours to return my call once I announced I was having a boy and was ecstatically happy as that was what I truly wanted. Another sister went off on me for not waiting til she got pregnant so that we could have the kids together and so that they could play and go to school together, and she was living in another country at the time…. She was VERY HURT that I hadn’t waited, so all I’m trying to convey in this rule is that you should be very careful about how you choose to tell your sisters and don’t ever expect an initial reaction of joy for you because most time it is not sincere and is full of rage and envy.

RULE#5:

Do not skip the childbirth classes, even if your partner is no longer in the picture at that point, but swears he will be there and never shows-up. Please make sure you make other arrangements to have a partner. Twice out of a six class child birth series, the father of my child did not show-up or was too lazy to come or simply did not want to wait to catch the bus and was always claiming he was broke, and having you drive him around town and pick him up in another city so far away from where you live, as if he were doing you the favor.  Just make sure you pick someone who is not afraid of embarrassed about doing some poses that are meant for intimacy, that is to say pick a girlfriend who is not afraid of being called a lesbian when she leaves there and who doesn’t mind massaging your  stiff butt checks or giving you a back massage. Also pick someone mature who is not going to make fun of the often outdated and pretty graphic videos that they play in the lame attempts to illustrate what to expect.   The one time the father of my child showed-up he made all the other guys laugh and reduced them to a ridiculous state of infantilism, laughing at the end of the class during deep meditation and relaxation and spent the other half of the class sleeping and he snores really loudly.

I left every single childbirth class in tears, during one class a woman asked her husband to help me do a pose as she felt badly for me, and I honestly refused the help because I simply did not want a strangers hands on my pregnant body and I’m sure that at that point I did not want anyone’s hands on me. That is why I cannot stress enough how important it is to have a partner for your childbirth class preferably someone who will also show-up for the actual birth so that at least they remember vaguely what to do since you probably won’t, that I can almost guarantee…

RULE #6:

HER NAME IS MIRELLA: HEALING GODDESS

Step-up on your weekly massages if you can afford it, but even if it means not going to the movies as often or buying that second pint of pistacchio ice cream at midnight, I highly recommend getting professional prenatal massages as well as taking prenatal yoga. This will have many benefits in the long run, your child will be calmer and more at peace with himself, he or she will probably love music from the moment they hear it outside of the womb. Don’t go spending ridiculous amounts on massages, some of the ones out there for pregnant women are outrageously overpriced, so shop around for good deals in your town, it takes time, but it’s just like finding a good doctor. If you live in LA try Llaremi Healing Hands, Mirella is my massage therapist and she was and still is the best. Find someone loving and caring who just doesn’t want to make money off you at whatever cost, most professionals who know what they are doing will not touch you until you are safely beyond the first trimester, they will also wait at least three months after delivering your baby to resume massages and if you are breastfeeding they cannot do the typical Lymphatic Drainage massage as much as you will crave one.  Your body goes through such a massive change and your organs end up in so many weird places inside of you that I found it a blessing and relief to be able to get these massages, as a matter of fact my sciatica was acting up that I never experienced before and Mirella helped me get through it and I got it early on in the pregnancy as I was commuting a very long distance for work everyday and sitting in the car is the worst. Needless to say that the more you move around the better off you are and will be after the delivery. For those of you who cannot afford massages or both, I would then say at least take one prenatal yoga class a week, especially towards the last trimester, it might even help ease you into labor.

For best PRE-NATAL Yoga classes see Chapter on that.

RULE #7:

Don’t expect to find amazing hip trendy, sexy looking maternity clothes, they do not exist especially in the U.S.  For some reason, the backwards idea of a woman looking as ugly as possible while pregnant is still prevalent. I used to joke with my girlfriend and say I was better off wearing a potato sack over my body than most of the maternity clothes out their I was lucky enough that at the beginning of my pregnancy I was traveling abroad and was able to pickup a few items that I wore repeatedly in as much as I could still fit in them throughout my pregnancy, but don’t expect to walk into Motherhood, baby Style or even Pea in the Pod and find a sexy cute black dress or a great pair of jeans. There are a few cute boutiques out there that do an O.K. job, but charge outrageous prices for really something you could pick-up at Goodwill if you looked around for a while. I found myself getting dresses that were not meant for pregnant women at stores like Loehman’s and got the most amount of compliments on this one coral pinks simple elegant super comfy long dress, and no it was not a maxi dress, it was somewhat odd but very becoming. The best pregnancy jeans I had were from Zara Mamá and Prenatal that both do not have stores in the US at least as of last week, and the other store is Paige that is very expensive, but you will need to invest in at least two pairs of good comfy and sexy pregnant jeans especially if you are still working up until giving birth.

And lastly, I promise you ladies that if this book makes me some real money I will start a maternity line, not like Nicole Ritches’; that is really meant for the rich girlie girls of Hollywood, no, this is will affordable like Sarah Jessica parkers clothing line sold at Old Navy, the key is to make it accessible to the average mom and mainly first time Mom who is so disappointed about what’s out there.

RULE #8:

TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY and WATCH WHAT YOU EAT. I wish I had hired a nutritionist the same day I got confirmation that I was pregnant, I realize that now that I’m still 200lbs after having the baby over a year ago. You think you have good genes and a hot body that no matter what you eat it will all come off after , NO WAY! Think again! Don’t expect to be Heidi Klum either she’s a crazy geminis, I’ll explain that later, so please if you can invest in a nutritionist who will guide you so that you are not hurting so bad later trying to get back into shape. So often we listen to what our mothers tell us to eat and even our doctors with their famous prenatal vitamins. I vomited the first ones I was given and had to try three different prenatal vitamins till I found ones that agreed with me and didn’t make me nauseous, and I’m convince that if you eat properly and can make the time to do all your food, you would not need those prenatal vitamins.

I put on over 55lbs for my pregnancy, I weighed 222lbs when I check-into the hospital and a year later I still weigh 199.3 Of course I breastfeed still, but I know that if I had an expert guiding me along the way, getting back in to shape would have been easier and I’m sure having a man in my life now would make me get back into shape even faster, and if he had cooperated the days preceding me going to the hospital by giving me at least oral sex, my delivery would have been a lot quicker and I definitely would have gone into labor more naturally. Ladies keep that in mind, it does help with the contractions just wear something sexy as unsexy as you might feel at the time. I never gave weight importance, but I do believe in feeling good about yourself and looking good for your own self esteem if that is not there then you need to get help, and even if you can’t afford it there are many places where the services are offered on a sliding scale base or possibly even free depending on your income bracket. One place off the top of my head to check-out is Westside Family Center in Santa Monica.

After having the baby have a friend SWEAR they will watch him/her for an hour every other day so that you can get your a__ back in shape, and then you have to listen to men making comments about how flat JLo's belly is in the "Back-Up Plan", ya HELLO! If I had all that money I'd be even tighter than the girl from the block up in THE BRONX- ya, ya don't be a hater....

RULE #9

Try to get as much sleep as you can leading up to your due date, if you don’t have a way to relax, consider getting a good foot massage that always put me to sleep rather quickly one good thing my mother did, was give me a nice foot massage before going to bed. Trust me you will need all the sleep you can get and help, but mainly sleep, because if I do not sleep I see everything very dark and I can’t function as well and you get depressed. I also recommend continuing to take your prenatal vitamins plus some multi vitamins that your doctor recommends. Make sure to check that you are not anemic that happened to me. I also highly recommend getting your placente turned into pills to avoid postpartum depression, that is something I did and it kept me going even after my son spent fourteen days in Intensive Care Unit after being born. My advice take a MINI vacation like the week before you are due and just SLEEP and LOUNGE and then take walks, but mainly SLEEP, try even checking yourself into some cheap motel outside of Palm Springs and just sleeping for an entire weekend. WIsh I had done this for myself, instead I dealt with tons of stress work related and personal, including my parents bickering and fighting while I was in labor and the few days leading up to it having my mother call me an A--H___ cause she was mad at my father and decided like she use to to take it out on her daughter, according to her her favorite daughter...

RULE # 10:

Doula or not to Doula? I say NOT, it is really not necessary. You do do all the hard work yourself, believe me that much my Mom was right.  Just have a GOOD friend who loves you even if she is not a mother, come help you give birth, I sincerely believe that it is best for a woman to help the birthing mother, so try to pick a female birthing partner that you like and don’t mind showing your big pussy to. You will need a pair of strong hands and shoulders to lean on when you get into serious labor and I'm so grateful to my birth partner Laura Harper, who has since become the unofficial godmother of my son, since the two pairs I carefully and strategically selected have gone MIA and conveniently picked a fight to get out of any responsibilities beyond that of themselves and their busy lives. Yes, you are not the only ones to pick the wrong godparents. God forbid they think about the helpless child involved, no, it's gotta be about them always and me being the CRAZY ONE who went ballistic on them....

I have to forewarn you that doula’s are a waste of money, especially if you hire one that double books and doesn’t know what it’s like to juggle a schedule. A doula in the end will only be able to do certain very specific and limited things, for example she cannot check out and see how much you’ve dilated, but she can give you a massage when you probably don’t even want your husband or lover to touch your pinky. Ask her every possible question who can think of regarding worse case scenario, ask her what she would do if you had to have an IV and you originally wanted an all natural birth, then what would she do to continue to progress your labor in a natural healthy way, because more than likely I guarantee you that when that time comes, she will be the first to be warming the bench and agreeing with everything the Dr. starts recommending for the convenience of their schedule and even mid-wife depending on who you pick without doing the proper research. And I thought I did all my thorough research.

If you cannot eat, DO NOT ALLOW them to eat in front of you. I seriously believe you should be allowed to fire your doula during labor if she is not working out and get a full refund. My mind literally goes to a blank when I think about this because of the horrific experience I had.

My son and I were in labor for FOUR DAYS, and when he was finally born not by C-section as I was pressured to since the moment I went into Triage, but vaginally, my poor baby was then rushed to the Intensive Care Unit where he stayed for over 14 days. I still have pictures in my old Palm Treo cellphone of him with tubes coming out and IVs piercing his fragile body from every possible orifice. And rude Philippine nurses telling me to get away and not even consider breastfeeding my baby as they warned me I was exhausting him by doing so. It was that delay in me being allowed to nurse him that made the breastfeeding process so difficult later on, I mean I was literally going to kill a bunch of pushy obnoxious nursing “experts” at the hospital that were really making me feel like I was never going to get it. Then finally I had a sweet Serbian nurse who stood by me and was so patient. Cause  you learn a who other degree and  meaning to patience.

Suffice to say that my doula ate stinky fish patties in front of me and was flirting with the biological father of my baby and the worst of it was she triple booked the day I was admitted and told I had to be induced. Moreso she delayed the birth of one of her clients who was having her second baby by making her not budge from 6cm and preventing her from dilating. Then she was upset about having to call her “back-up” doula who was actually not bad except for the fact that she too was flirting with the biological father and my father- pathetic!

RULE #11:

PRENATAL YOGA: YOU NEED TO INVEST IN THIS. There are several places in Los Angeles, the best I found was Golden Bridge Yoga, her name is Monique and she is amazing, and I’m not saying this because celebrities are spotted there, I swear I’m the last person in a room to realize there is a celebrity tucked away in a corner doing a down dog, I go cause of the space, cleanliness and MAINLY GOOD INSTRUCTION. If you are no longer having sex , you should step-up on the Yoga and that I guarantee will help you go into labor faster especially if you are already full-term. I went to a class after not going for a very long time, and the next day I was in the hospital. Obviously if you have your boyfriend or someone who likes your vagina at this stage masturbate you then you will also go into labor more naturally. The other thing that supposedly works is stimulating your nipples, though I do not recommend you doing this by yourself if you are in the hospital the best thing is ask for two breast pumps and get a new model, do not accept one of the old klanky ones as they will only piss you off with the loud grinding noise it makes as if you were printing out a million copies of the Declaration of Independence.

In addition to Yoga I also recommend doing some type of cardio, I choose not to run, and heard from other Type A personality Yoga Instructors who were also avid marathoners that they did not run while pregnant, but looking back I could have benefited from some extra cardio, perhaps swimming, though I’ve heard swimming might make the baby flip in your last trimester, so just do what you feel is best for you and the baby, or maybe just speed walk, which is the best.

My favorite class was a great pre-natal class that Monique Miller teaches at Golden Bridge Yoga and of course if you can take a Meditation class with the Gurmurkh, by all means go and soak it up! Also my favorite book was one of hers: "Beautiful, Bountiful and Blissful."

Also Yoga West is a good place to take pre-natal classes on Saturday.