Chapter 1-Our mid 30's crisis or brain fart

CHAPTER ONE:

You are in your mid to late 30’s , life is going by and you have always wanted to be a Mother and know you’d be great at it having raised three of your own younger siblings and two godchildren you have cared for and loved as your very own. So you have a brain fart and decide to force your boyfriend to cum inside you, who happens to actually be married with a six year old daughter. So you are sitting on the toilet on morning after jet-setting all  over Latin America producing TV spots for TWC and  Daisy Sour Cream, and realize it’s been over two months since your last period, you’ve wanted this so badly so many times in different “more stable” or supposedly “ healthy” relationships, but somehow it never quite happened or the morning after pill got in the way. You hear all your girlfriends voices telling you it’s not possible, you are just stressed-out, you’ve been going nonstop, worried about work and traveling all over the world, and stressed-out to the max, but deep down you know this time it is FOR REAL.  Even though you have experienced no vomiting nor dizziness, you have noticed a lack of desire to drink as much and somehow you quit smoking for the 500 hundredth time, cold turkey a month before and you do not crave it even at dinner parties. Part of you tries to runoff into dreamland, but the other half of you who has the BRAIN and always saves you somehow from pure disaster decides that it is time to go to Planned Parenthood and find-out for real.  I mention Planned Parenthood because if you have private health insurance at the time of your pregnancy and do not have maternity on the plan which is probably 99.9% of single self-employed women, your simple visit to the gyno will cost you extra out of pocket as it is not covered unless you upgrade for some absurd amount like $10,000 deductible…a home test and then a confirmed one at Planned Parenthood will do just fine when you are on a budget.

You get your confirmation that you already knew was the case, and then you deal with the father of the unborn child you so much desire now that it is real more than ever, tell you that you should take a day or so to think about it but that you have till Wednesday to make up your mind. And you are in such a state of bliss coming to terms that you are PREGNANT that you block out all the garbage that he is telling you, as if he were in control, please! And you turn to the one girlfriend you can rely on who drove you there and who in spite of being a religious extremely Catholic, I’m a 40 year old virgin, tells you that you should think about it and what are you going to do with it. In her own words, and to my shock she is telling me that I should definitely consider an abortion. Incidentally that friend has serious issues and fears about becoming pregnant. And I say, I’m keeping it no doubt about that, and I won’t be able to count on him, and he is sitting across the table from me and just staring into the blue, he too is in shock, but mainly he is thinking about how much sex he’ll still be able to get out of my ass until I blow-up till the point that it won’t be as pleasurable for him anymore. He is thinking about how ballistic his hysterical wife will get, he is thinking about himself and feeling sorry about himself and calculating zero dollars left after he pays out child support to both mother’s of his children. He is thinking that on second thought I should have used a condom and not let her manipulate me and twist my arm into knocking her up. So all of a sudden everything becomes my fault and my own doing. Things change rapidly in the relationship, I grow more tired sooner, I don’t show until much later in the pregnancy but probably because I’m not taking as good care of myself as I should. I’m stressed out of my mind trying to work as hard as I can to make the most amount of money I can before giving birth.  Oh! Did I mention at the time I’m a freelance about to go full-time Commercial Agency Producer  working on three accounts at the time and flying to foreign locations for the shoots. At first I’m very optimistic as I have a really good paying freelance gig that is about to turn full-time with benefits, YA! I’ll be able to access company paid healthcare again and my son will also be covered, Perfect timing! But then the offer disappears as the agency where I was working looses two of three accounts all of a sudden I find myself loosing more sleep not just to the pregnancy but to stress about work and ultimately about MONEY, money that has always been a problem for me in my life, I can make it , I just don’t know how to hold on to it. I confess I’m a shoppaholic in recovery, but I’ve been saying that for years now…